Baby IN, Partner OUT
It is really common for new dads to feel resentful and left out when a new baby arrives on the scene. Up until this point it has just been the two of you and now you are a family; becoming a family is a massive transition, not to be underestimated! It is incredibly common for partners to feel disconnected around this time, in fact one study quotes that 50% of couples rate the quality of their marriage as “in decline”, around this time.
It’s ok that there is a bit of space between you and your partner as long as an effort is made to reconnect again when baby is not as dependant on mum any more….and newborn babies ARE really dependant. Human beings are the most vulnerable of all mammals- think about how other mammals are born and can immediately stand and walk! It helps to remember that this is not forever – your baby will grow bigger and stronger and soon be able to be left in the care of others: this is when mum and dad need to commit to dates in the diary to reconnect with each other!
It is really normal for intimacy between you and your partner to appear to be in decline when bub is on the scene! Often Mum has had so much physical contact with the baby during the day that any further skin to skin contact seems just too much- it might be hard not to take this personally but it truly is not because she has gone off you- she just needs a little bit of space.
Even though there is increasing awareness regarding support for new dads, there is not as much support for dads in the community as there is for mum around the time of becoming a parent. Dads also don’t have the luxury of talking about how they feel with a network of friends, like women tend to do.
If you are a new dad and struggling, the best place to start and find some support is your local GP. Another great resource is the Post and Antenatal Depression Association (Ph: 1300726306) – you may call up during the week and speak to a telephone counsellor, and you don’t have to have postnatal depression to give them a call- you may just want to talk through some of your worries. There are a few male counsellors available that you may feel more comfortable talking with.
Did you know that 10% of dads suffer from post natal depression? They are even less likely than women to seek help for their symptoms and often if they do get help it is only much later on. This I think is for a couple of reasons: firstly the dads are often not as connected to health professionals like the mums are. (New mums spend a lot of time at their maternal child health nurse and GP!) Secondly they are often holding the family together around the time when mum is diagnosed with postnatal depression and fail to look after themselves too. (One of the biggest risk factors for men to be diagnosed with postnatal depression is having a partner who has postnatal depression)
This is a difficult and challenging transition for mums AND dads- so being aware that men need support too, is a good start!
By Dr Melaine Strang - Seminar at Preggi Central on the 4th December CLICK HERE for more information.